Situations May Vary
by Locus Solus
Summary: What happens when Chopper finds out about homosexuals and intercourse? Well, he asks Sanji a question and Sanji is highly unamused. It's obviously yaoi. ZoxSan. Not ChoxSan, sillies. Changed to M rating.


A BIG FAT WARNING: Rated T for now, but I may change it to M because, well, if you read it then you'd understand. Mature conversation. Very mature ending. You were warned.

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Sanji didn't know where to begin. Part of him wanted to laugh. Another bit of himself wanted to disappear from existence, to melt away into the wood like he had never been there. The rest of him wanted to storm troop the entire ship to track down the dumb fuck that mentioned such things to their ship's doctor, whose innocence was slowly decaying from hanging around these idiots.

The cook stared at Chopper, blinking. The words that had fallen from the little doctor's mouth sent all train of thought careening into a massive crash with no survivors. He was lucky his reflex hadn't been to throw himself out of his chair and to the floor. If he had Usopp's mind he probably would've played dead on the spot.

By the Gods, what had he done to be put through such torture? Was it because he had pushed Zoro out of his bunk this morning? After the man had "accidentally" bumped into the cook and sent him tumbling head over heels over the railing into the ocean, he had it coming! An eye for an eye, yeah? Or was the universe just siding with the swordsman today?

Here he had been sitting in the kitchen, minding his own business when Chopper came along and popped a question that nearly gave Sanji a heart attack. When those words fell upon his ears he had a feeling this will certainly take a toll on his blood pressure. Why couldn't he have asked someone else? Anyone else but the cook?

The young reindeer simply gazed at him innocently. There was no sign of embarrassment or shame on his face, only pure curiosity. Unlike Sanji, whose flush rivaled the color of Buggy's nose, he was momentarily at Chopper's clean-handed mercy.

Where did the doctor get off at asking a question like that? A matter such as that was one to be kept private and not something to educate someone about, specifically a sixteen year old reindeer. Sixteen was still sixteen, damn it! Never mind what Sanji had found out at sixteen, that was certainly irrelevant at the moment, he would spare who he could from acquiring certain things too early. Sure, Chopper was a doctor and knew of such preferences but still it didn't make it any less awkward when it was in question format.

Besides, why would their doctor, a reindeer, want to know such intimate details of that specific subject? Who in their right mind would even get the idea into Chopper's head? Maybe he had come of his own free will. Was... was there something he was planning on doing with said information? Who was he planning with- stop right there. No way in hell, Sanji was definitely not going to delve deeper into the matter behind this sudden inquiry. He had a feeling that the reason would ruin how he saw his ship mates to such an extent he would probably want to claw his own eyes out. Some things are certainly better left unknown, right? Sure, the curiosity would probably kill him, but Sanji would rather die with his sanity.

Chopper was still watching him, waiting patiently for an answer. Problem was, Sanji couldn't think of one after his brain malfunctioned and possibly exploded.

The blond felt a twitch developing in his right eye as he kept optic contact. Obviously, Chopper was not getting the hint that this was not a day to day topic that one could speak openly about, especially with someone so young. The crew definitely needed to cut back on the "That's what she/he said" jokes.

Wasn't there some sort of suggestion book on this matter that he could give the reindeer? Would it really solve his question? No, it would only taint his mind even further and quicker. And Sanji doubted that they had such a book on board. Rummaging through the library would take too much time. He could always ask Robin, but that would definitely cause his image to shrivel up in an instant from shame. He didn't expect Robin to judge him, it was just the thought that he _knew_ he shouldn't be asking for such a thing, not that it was he who needed it. If Sanji asked for a book on topics like that then Nami would definitely hear about it sooner or later and then EVERYONE would know, and no one would believe that it was for Chopper. Curse the confounded boundaries of a ship. It was a given that the Sunny was big, much bigger than the Merry, but it was still a small crowd. It was a crowd that was not to be toyed with, not because they were dangerous, but because they could be dangerously **stupid** at times.

Why the hell would they have a book like that to begin with anyway? Sanji certainly hoped they hadn't a book that even _touched_ on that subject. Luffy reading the Thesaurus on a rainy day and getting the meanings of certain words mixed up was bad enough. Sanji did not like being called senile.

The cook cleared his throat, steadily regaining his composure as he set his book down carefully on the table.

"Chopper, if you don't mind me asking," Sanji's voice was rough, it even cracked a bit. "Why are you asking me this?"

The reindeer merely said. "I heard you were well knowledgeable in that area."

"I see." The blond took off his glasses. Not that he really needed reading glasses, but he was once told that he looked rather charming in specs and since then he doesn't read without them. He had to admit, they did make him feel more astute. The fact that someone believed he was knowledgeable in a matter did complete the chic feeling but the subject only made him feel like, to put it bluntly, a whore. He began to wonder if he went down a couple spaces in Chopper's book.

"Who-" the unfortunate bastard that's going to get it. "Told you that?"

"Uh, well, my mind is a little fuzzy." That person was lucky Sanji liked Chopper or else there would be some painful interrogating done on the little one. Chopper quickly changed the subject. "I've always wondered about it, but I never bothered to touch on the subject until I heard Luffy use the term."

"Term?" Sanji blinked. "What term?"

"Gay."

"Gay?" the cook echoed. "What about the word? He was talking about the feeling of happiness, wasn't he?"

"Yeah, but then I began to wonder if there was another meaning for the word. You know, like how "bastard" means a child whose parents aren't married but it also serves as an insult?"

"Yeah, I suppose."

"I then discovered the term "homosexual" in the thesaurus and I looked it up in the dictionary."

My, boredom sure works wonders on the mind.

"I never knew two males could have intercourse, or two females."

Sanji scratched out the last fragment of Chopper's statement to resist spewing blood out of his nasal cavity. His body's response to this defiance was to force the blood to his ears, turning them beet red.

"Currently, I have indulged more into the male's obsession with another male. Then I began to think about intercourse."

Red flag.

"Chopper, before you go any further, what makes you think that _I_, the most obviously straight man here, would know about this?"

The doctor stared at him, Sanji began to feel uncomfortable under his gaze. Chopper wasn't dumb, he knew Sanji didn't get any from the girls. Still, how did he know he hadn't had any one night stands with any town girls? And yet, he couldn't help but give in.

"Let's pretend those words never came from my mouth and that you won't judge me on my orientation."

"I would never judge you on your sexuality no matter what, Sanji." Chopper said, undaunted.

The cook nodded once, still slightly dissuasive. "Right. Continue."

"I have come to a conclusion on how said intercourse is possible, there is much that I still don't understand about the subject but there's just one thing that's really been on my mind lately."

"And that is... what you asked me earlier, correct?"

Chopper took a deep breath. "When a man is getting it from behind and the man on top orgasms, what happens to the man on bottom? Does he take care of himself? Or does the man on top do it for him?"

"Well, it works in different ways- now hold on a minute!" Sanji raised a hand. "Why _me_? Why ask _me_ this specific question? You could have asked-"

Chopper instantaneously responded but it was inaudible.

"What?" Sanji leaned closer.

"I asked you because..." The reindeer mumbled the rest.

Sanji glowered. "Pardon?"

"I asked you because you seem like the one who would be on the bottom!" Chopper replied quickly and truthfully.

There was a pause. An agonizing pause between the two. Chopper averted his gaze as Sanji's eyes threatened to set the ship aflame.  
His pride and image shrunk down to the size of a sugar cube with a sledge hammer held over it. The cook's nails dug into the wood through the tablecloth.. His useless glasses threatened to break under the pressure of his curled fingers. It was all he could do not to throw something, specifically Chopper, since he seemed like a prefect, flailing projectile at the moment. Each second of silence that ticked by sent shivers up his spine as the hammer was pulled back. Down it came upon his rotting pride until the once sugary taste sensation was no more.

"Okay, I'm not going to get angry about this," Sanji muttered under his breath as he let out a deep sigh. "I've taken worse shots before. Besides, you're just asking a question and I'm answering. Simple. No need for violence. Yeah."

Chopper relaxed a little once he saw that he wasn't going to be bound and gagged and shoved into the oven for tonight's dinner.

All this trouble and a few aneurysms over such a little question. If any of the guys ever found out about this he swore on All Blue that they would regret the day they were born.

"Pardon my crudeness but, it can go either way, and there are more ways than one to "take care of it", trust me." Sanji mentally slapped himself. "You can go about it however way you want to. I'm sure you have read about the various positions intercourse can be done in, yes?"

Chopper nodded.

"Depending on your position, that will decide how the receiver will be, er, "released", if you will. Is that all?"

The doctor hesitated. Sanji prayed to whatever Holy entity existed up there that the reindeer did not have another question in mind.

"So, there's no written rule that the one on the bottom has to do it himself or the one on top has to do it?"

"No." Sanji furiously rubbed his temples. "Things just happen in the order of when the mood strikes them. What do you mean by written rule? Since when have there been written rules in sex?"

"Well, it's a common belief that the one on top is more experienced than the one on the bottom, therefore he is the dominant male. The one on the bottom is inexperienced and is usually the unwilling at first then all in towards the end."

Well, yeah he tended to be unwilling, but that was because he would start coming on to him in the middle of lunch prepara-Never mind that.

There was glint of mirth in the cook's visible eye. "That varies on the couple." He said bitterly.

"Right." Chopper said nervously. "Well, thanks for the information, Sanji. You were a big help."

Sanji grumbled as he wallowed in vexation until a sudden epiphany struck him.

"Oh, Chopper." Sanji called sweetly after the doctor as he placed the glasses back where they belonged. Chopper stopped, the cook's voice sent a shiver down his spine. "Would you send Zoro in here for me? I'd like to have a word with him."

"Uh, s-sure." Chopper ran off, slightly unsure of what Sanji had in store for the green-haired man. One thing the doctor knew for sure was that he wouldn't want to be any where near the kitchen between now and possibly the next hour or so.

The swordsman took his saccharine time to comply with Sanji's demand. He hadn't a clue why the cook had sent Chopper to summon him to the kitchen. Nor did he realize that he should have been wary when Chopper could barely keep eye contact with him at the time without blushing.

When he entered the dimly lit kitchen he was surprised and a bit flustered to find himself forced to a wall by a rather frustrated looking cook. The blond's face was leering down on him with a lustful expression that Zoro found rather hot. In an instant the bulky man seized the other by his tie and pulled him into a perfervid kiss, nearly smashing their noses together. Next thing he knew he was stripping Sanji of his blue, pin-striped shirt as he kissed the other furiously, not bothering to wipe away the slaver he left behind. Palms graced the pale curves of the blond's hips. The fingers of one hand slipped down his arched back and past the waistband of the black slacks while the other hand loosened the belted clothing. Once the belt was off the cook's pants almost immediately gave way to Zoro's fumbling hands. Sanji's body was so irresistibly fervent, and so marvelously soon too. Heat radiated from the other's body in such tremendous waves that Zoro thought he might orgasm right there before he could even get his own pants off. Sanji's sudden passion was so intoxicating as the blond matched the swordsman's kisses all the while working on getting his belt off as well.

The rhythm was suddenly interrupted when Zoro found himself being thrown to the floor, once again astonished by the cook's sudden change in attitude towards their sex activity. The blond towered over him menacingly.

Sanji's glasses were slightly askew and blond strands hung about his face, sticking to his already sweat-brimmed brow. His pants were left wide open and were almost hanging about his knees. The light blue boxers had been tugged down a bit, but not enough. He could just barely see the top of the patch of flaxen curls above the band, taunting him. In the blond's hand was a dark brown belt, Zoro's belt. The thin young man placed a knee on either side of the swordsman's torso, making sure to emphasize the fact that he was digging his groin into the lower area of Zoro's ribcage. The swordsman gasped softly, with every breath he took he could feel the cook's hardening member. Sanji leaned closer over the Zoro's face and nibbled on his ear a bit. His voice was gentle and soft as he whispered seductively. "I get top this time."

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It's my first touch on writing something yaoi based. Too lazy to review? Or is it not good enough for a review? I'm seeing the latter.


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